2009 IHBA Awards Banquet Speech…January 23, 2010
Well now, this evening it’s “Back in Black” tie night again. And I truly hope the band strikes up some explosive and fiery “Hot Licks” for Hoot and Miss Carla with some good old fashion “Rock and Roll Hoochie Coo” so no one leaves here in a “Mid-Life Crisis” because this is going to be “Juan Bad Party.”
I hope this banquet doesn’t turn into a “Stark Naked” affair, if it does, it might become a “Danger Zone” because all you “Smokin Aces” have taken a “Whacker Smacker” approach to “Disorderly Conduct” with absolutely “No Clue” as to why Mr. Prewit would grace us with his “Hold My Beer and Watch This” kind of humor that’s definitely related to some “Alcohol Dependant” who’s known to carry a camouflaged “Psychotic Reaction” rubber in his shirt pocket.
I’m sure that you can visualize Madd Maxx as Eddie’s “Problem Child” who at times is “Out of Control” after climbing over the “Barb Wire” to smoke a “Red Hot” “Joint …Venture” “Just 4 Fun Too.” The word has gotten out that these “Bad Habits” have become so “Hot Damn Hondo” “Habit Forming,” he’s now acting like a “Drama Queen” looking for “Another Quick Piece.”
We may need to call in the “Ace of Spades” or possibly the “Undertaker” tonight because a freaking “Hot Shot” was found “Blow’n Feathers” after a scary “Shark Attack” at a mafia-style “Freak Show” because Vic had “Another Temptation” for “Sweet & Low” Christine who is “The Real Deal.”
But the big question is, was Marty really “Livin’ the Dream,” or was it another “Fool Addiction?” Or, maybe it was an imposter, “The Black Pearl” also known as Johnny Love who was dreaming of “Mak n Bacon” with an underage “Nitro Chicken” who “Ain’t Scared” to be ridden out of sin city on the “High Noon Express” and saying give me “Just A Little More.”
Hey folks, Charlie Fegan, overcome by his “Meanstreak” and “Centsless” on “Whisky and Water” has turned states evidence on a governmental “Shock Therapy” operation that was being ingested by racers in a “Pure Nasty” but innocent looking “Omelett Express” discovered by some character in “Hollywood” with an incredible “Alter Ego.” The main player was a “Rambunctious” looking, but “What A Tomato” Nancy Fegan who was thinking about doing the “Wild Thing,” or going “Topless,” only to wake up every night in a scandalous Heidemann-and-go-seek “Nightmare,” and then having to explain the “Physi-Cole-Attraction” sweats.
Right now, I think we should either “Fade To Black” or sense a new “Wake-Up Call” in Traci Henderson’s “Heartbeat” as she lifts up another “Monster Energy Drink” knowing that tonight she may be feeling like “Stylin and Profilin” instead of a “Nut N Up” forlorn “Skywalker” who said she was shot at with a “Milwaukee Bullet,” but in reality, she drank a shot of “Toxic Rocket” making her feel like “Just Another Toy” on her way to the “Top Secret” awards banquet featuring Kristen Burrow and Cyvannah Cooper in the hit movie “Get’er Done” with the “Lights Out.”
But wait, while in the midst of a peaceful “Domestic Disturbance,” a heavenly “Mako Force” angelic attorney, the honorable Mr. Ermshar promised you, Ken Stout, also known as “Mr. Wrinkles” a “Fifty Fifty” plea bargain instead of “Capitol Punishment” since you and Steve Grein (can’t Hackett…Gene,) as you both were caught red-handed with a “Smuggler.” So, if you two don’t make any NeWaves, he’ll work his “Flat Magic” for you if you give it an honest “Second Effort” and, if you’ll just “Kwitcherbitchen.”
Last night around midnight there was a “Ruckus” at the “War Party.” The two day old “Moonshine” was freely flowing “Without A Trace” of any visible signs of another “Déjà vu” like last year when that ‘ol “Black Dragin” was “All Lit Up” as he chased his “Barely Legal” wife who turned out to be the real “Mischief Maker.” She told the three time world champion that “I’m Back Hot and Bothered” and if you try to use “Excessive Force” again because you think you are “Way Too Cool,” I might start doing a “Lap Dance” for every “Desperado” in this casino.
I think that ya’ll know Gary Bergeron and his notorious sidekick Candy? Well they’ve been pleading for years, please “Wine Me Up.” When they finally hit “Bottoms Up,” don’t mess with Studley’s “Short Fuse” or Hungwells “Hydochondriac” personality, because he’ll simply take your “Aw Sum Toy” home and show you some real “Justice” where it’s been known to be “Slippery When Wet” where that duo shouts out loud “Do It Again Dulin.”
For the top fuel guys, Ron McClellan says it just Haas to be this way. These “Speed Sports” guys, you know Lou from St. Louis…have more “Liquid Quiker” runs than Famous Amos has cookies at any “Sunday Showdown.” Now without old cheatin chickendick Chittenden, they’ll have to do it with a lot more Forsyth and even more “Animal Instinct” than any “Screaming Seaman” after downing a case of “Whisky River” in the “Raticool” association known as the International Hot Boat Association” where more than one “Loose Cannon” has suffered from an eternal “Bad Moon Rising” Buzz…e caused by a “Blown Budget,” that makes you want to “Kiss This Racing” good bye.
Therefore, unless you go “Head Over Heels” and clean this mess up, you’ll end up with a “Snakebite” from a “Still Kickin” dude named Wolf who’s really as gentle as a “Waterbird.” But, always be careful during your adult “Play Tyme” or you may end up “Catching Hale,” or worse, from an unrestrained “Spirit of Texas” because of their legendary “Twin Influence.” Even though the fuel monkeys said “It’s Only Money,” it’s more like “Born Insanity” that always feeds on David’s “Liquid Assets.”
It looks like another “Crap Shoot” unless you hoist the Sayles of your “El Bandito” after being cured of that dreaded “Obnoxious Behavior” when BP waves his “Abruptly Insane” hand and says his holy “Abracadabra” like a priestly “Dragonater” with a preset “Flash Point” that will set off a “Critical Mass” explosion into “Your Next” and hopefully last, “Adolescent Insanity” that may cause Lucas Oil to go on “Red Alert.”
Well, I guess it’s “About Time” for Henry Sarandria to break out the “Almost Stock White Lighting” and become a “Public Nuisance” again by pouring himself a glass of “Double Dynamite” on the rocks with a twist of “Pure Badness” in view of the fact that Stacey Smith is on “Overkill II” but is suspiciously “Sublime.”
The word out on the street is there’s a “Trick Pony” named Jonathan Pinckley who wants to rock-out on his roaring “Ripsaw” Stratocaster because he’s tired of playing with his “Muscle Boat.” But for you, Steve Carpenter, it’s okay to act like a “Tar Baby” with your head feeling like some “Blue Thunder” from down under.
Yes, my dear friends, I do believe that that “Double Duece” couple from San Diego, also known as John & Cathy Flores were hoodwinked by some “Young Guns” and it will take more than downing a 12 pack of “Texas Red” or case of “Agent Orange” to make them both feel “Blown To The Bone” again.
“Wat’er the Odds” that Connie Marron, the one and only original “Delaware Shake” would end up looking like a “Red Hot” and incredibly beautiful “Water Lily” dressed down and dirty like a “Flexible Flier.”
I heard it via some reliable “Bad Company” that the notorious group of … Paul, Jake, Scott, Curt, Ken, Kevin, Chris, Don and even JT are known to love “Peanut Butter Express” cocktails which leave their “Flat B” heads spinning in a “Spirit of Citation” while acting more like an adolescent “Kitty Kitty Bang Bang” in need of a Rescue by some kind of class act.
Did you know that Coop was praying for a “Hole Shot” but ended up riding out of town screaming “Hydro Silver,” but not looking forward to that dreaded morning wake up call by a “Coyote Ugly” who is known by all to be a Quick Trick II” so his only alternative is a secret “Liquidy Split.”
This night has been a “Long Time Coming” for many of you. And for our good friend Jimmy Tucker, I guess it’s time to “Say When.”
God bless you and “See Ya!”
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